


Conceal the Scars, Control the Bleeding

by katiekat784



Series: Quotes I Feel In My Bones [1]
Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: F/M, a little angsty, but so is the show, into the mind of Nikita, post 1x03 Kill Jill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29640996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiekat784/pseuds/katiekat784
Summary: It was pain. Unimaginable pain. She dealt with it everyday. Physical pain, emotional pain, it didn't matter. It was all the same in the end. It all hurt just the same. The only difference being the cuts and open wounds would subside in time. She wasn't sure this kind of pain would heal the same way... or at all.Nikita thinks about the situations she's been in and the pain it's caused her. Both to her body and to her soul.
Relationships: Michael Bishop/Nikita Mears
Series: Quotes I Feel In My Bones [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197437
Kudos: 1





	Conceal the Scars, Control the Bleeding

**Author's Note:**

> Just a small drabble into the mind of the incredible Nikita. I'm rewatching the series and when I saw the quote, the words flew onto the screen.

_“A lover? Maybe. Something tender, anyway. But tender like a bruise.” – Marie Rutkoski_

* * *

She left the house feeling numb, escaping on autopilot with her emotions shoved down. Amanda would say it was Division that taught her how to do that but that was something they couldn’t take credit for. That was a survival mechanism she learnt years before waking up in that bunker. No, they taught her how to harness it, how to spin that rage. How to take all that fury into and turn it into killing, into being this. She didn’t have time to think about the throbbing of her body. There was no time to acknowledge the surprised, wild look in Michael’s eyes as he heard the pop of her shoulder. She needed all her strength right now. She needed to focus on returning home. Home, that word still left a bitter taste her mouth. It wasn’t quite home but neither was any of other places she ever rested her head. It was only when she got back, when she knew that she was safe – well as safe as she ever would be – that she let herself feel it, let herself think. For the first time in months, she let herself feel it all. She locked it down for too long now, the dangling of her arm was the final straw.

She shoved those feeling down when she shot Michael. She did that to protect him, even if he didn’t realize it. She didn’t even acknowledge that to herself until afterwards. But it was the truth. She had no doubt that Percy would dangle him in front of her if it meant ending her crusade. She saved Michael in that hotel room but couldn’t admit why before. She told herself it was because she – and by extension he – was saving Alex but that wasn’t the whole truth. She couldn’t stand there and watch him suffer or god forbid, die. He was leading the team that was going to take her out, but she couldn’t watch someone do the same to him. But he had let her live. He had let her escape the first night she came back into their sights. She knew he was conflicted. He was nowhere near ready to hear her side, to fight with her but he was looking now. She got him to pause. For a brief second, she got him to pause and stare at what she was fighting. And that was enough for her to see a glimmer of the man she fell in love with all those years ago. But then he pinned her down tonight, with no intention of letting her escape and she shoved those emotions aside to get the job done, to survive.

But now… it was too much. The dam had finally broken, all the things she had buried came up to the surface and she felt it. It was pain. Unimaginable pain. She dealt with it everyday. Physical pain, emotional pain, it didn't matter. It was all the same in the end. It all hurt just the same. The only difference being the cuts and open wounds would subside in time. They would fade into yet another scar on her smooth skin. The emotional pain... well that would leave a nasty but invisible mark on her soul. She wasn’t sure if that much of a beating – the emotional pain she’s suffered throughout her life – would ever heal into a scar. Because for that to happen, there would need to be a period where it all stopped. Her mind would try to fix itself yet again, but would seem to fall short. Just like always. The physical pain would dissipate, but mentally... it would always be there. Still throbbing underneath the surface, not quite fully healed. It’s would always be hidden but could be found if one stared for too long. Like a never-ending bruise. She could try to conceal it, even succeed in the short term. But even the best coverup would crack over time. Her fragile mind was no exception to that fact.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first foray into the Nikita world, hopefully I did her justice. And if there's anyone who's still a part of this wonderful fandom, thanks for reading.


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